No Time Limit!

Do you remember as a kid when your parents used to set timers, give warnings about time limits, etc... either for bedtimes, friend visits, electronics, school, etc...  Well, I guess I am that mom now, I just gave my kids a 5 minute warning about having to go to bed, but in reality, I am still just a kid and I really hate time limits!  I mean come on, we were made for eternity after all, and of course God still has limits on times and seasons in eternal life too, but goodness, being able to feel the stop and go- isn't that so much better?  Who likes to feel rushed, pushed, and snuffed out by schedules?  Not me!  And yet, I love the appearance of order that schedules bring when they are listed out on a piece of paper, but in reality, I do not enjoy confining myself to the original ideas that I have...  I am more apt to be excited about others schedules that I can ebb and flow through at my own pace, but I feel trapped sometimes to DO what I first SAID when I wrote it down on paper.  It all sounds pretty silly now, but I digress...  my five minute time limit for my kids is long up, I better go so they don't always think 30 minutes is the same as 5 minutes.  Oh parenting!  So often I find that I am still parenting myself.  Ok, ok, Goodnight!!!  ;)

Throwback to when it was 2016

 Malakai's Birth Story

Rebekah Boss

September 20, 2016  · 4 min read  · 

Shared with Public

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I have trouble keeping things short, but here is my attempt! All praise to the Lord! Every birth is a miracle and I am constantly amazed and humbled to be a mom... this story is no different ❤

We arrived at the hospital about 1:30pm after my contractions had begun just after 12pm. I was so thankful to make it while still being in soft labor. Oh what an answer to prayer!

It was hilarious though when we went to check in they didn't seem to have any record of me in their computer system! It took us a good ten minutes to realize that they were just spelling my name wrong. So goofy!

Then I sat in the waiting room for only like 2 minutes before they brought me in a side room and took my vitals. One of the nurses found out I had been almost 4cm for 2 weeks already and she exclaimed: "I had my epidural at 4cm! Wow!". That made me feel all tough and enduring haha but I also just laughed because its not like I could have lived with an epidural on me for those last 2 weeks lol so that was never really an option for me.

Finally we made it to the hospital delivery room around 2pm! Praise the Lord my labor was still pretty tame. I really had not wanted to deliver this child in the lobby or the car. So, with my mom, my mother in law and my hubby all in the room with me, our waiting game began!

I was still in denial that I was actually in real labor yet, but since we were at the hospital and all checked in, I decided to try and get myself comfortable. Jeremy hung up my written out verses, set up our portable speaker with my labor playlist going and then pulled out our coloring books. I kept trying to color but by the time my labor really started getting harder sometime between 3 and 3:30 I kept having to focus so much on relaxing through my contractions that I definitely didn't get very far with coloring. lol.

Things were definitely progressing but I didnt really know how far because I had asked the nurse not to tell me what my dilation was whenever she checked me. I thought maybe the fancy bathtub in the room might help me to keep relaxing, so I asked Jeremy to start getting it ready. My mom was like, "I dont know that you will have time for that..." and so I smiled and Jeremy just said, "I will start it and then we can see..." Sure enough though, before he could even fill up the tub a quarter of the way, my water broke! lol.

When my water broke around 4pm the nurses came in and so did the Doctor on call at the time. He didnt stay long though before he walked out again. The OB I had been seeing the month before had not arrived yet, but I was already feeling the urge to push! My mom was totally picking up on this and so was Jeremy, so they put their gloves on and stood faithfully beside me, but the nurses were talking so much with their backs turned, right next to me that it seemed like they had no clue. To be fair, there was a nurse in training there, but still... lol.

I was totally in position for pushing, at least for me, it feels way more natural to be on all fours, but I know hospitals like to put birthing moms on their back. So even though it did not seem like anyone else was ready, except my mom and Jeremy, I gave out a solid push and baby Kai's head popped out. The nurse finally noticed and told me to stop in a half teasing but half serious tone because she didnt want to deliver without the doctor today. I was basically like, whatever lady, this baby is coming... but thankfully I had to wait for another contraction before pushing baby out all the way. As Dr. Hughes rushed in and put his gloves on, he barely made it in time to help catch Baby Kai with my hubby. Wow!

I was in shock, like for real, did this baby really finally come? I put my head down and prayed to hear him breathe. A few pats from the burses and only moments later, I heard a precious little cry along with "It's a Boy!"

It was super weird not to hold my baby for like a half hour or more because they were clearing him out and I still had to deliver the placenta and get cleaned up. So strange. Very different from my homebirth experiences... but finally Jeremy was able to lay our new baby boy on my chest and I basically just cried with joy and relief! What an overwhelming gift! A new person ❤

Welcome to the World Malakai Raymond Boss!

Thank You Lord!

• 

The stories I tell...

 As I was laying in bed with Malakai tonight, cuddling him to sleep, his little hand on my neck, it occured to me that there are a lot of stories that I like to tell others, but have never really written down for myself or for my family.  Knowing that life is short and I never really know if I have tomorrow, I was realizing that now was a better time than never to start in with writing down these memories.  Since I was just cuddling with Malakai, let's begin with the story of his namesake and move backwards from there!

I have only been to Hawaii one time, the big Island, Oahu, Ewa Beach and Honolulu.  What a dream!  I even got to spend my 27th birthday there, big thanks to my amazing in-laws.  My precious mother in love chose to share some of her Father's inheritance with me and my little family... and this is also when Jeremy and I decided it would be a good time to add to our own family, I mean let's be honest, we didn't really plan to get pregnant, but we were in a gorgeous beach house in Hawaii!  Sleeping right there next to the sound of the sea and listening to the big open breeze across the waters with all that warm tropical air around us.  It would have been silly of us not to enjoy those moments and we did!  Hence, why I insisted that whatever gender our newest little baby would be, we were going to name our little one Kai to remember our island trip and the beauty of that sweet season!

Kai means the sea and the sky.  This name embraces freedom, wonder and comfort in my mind.  Our cherished Malakai has been all these things and more- he is only 4 years old now, but I am confident the Lord has placed his life in the most timely of positions.  His first breath was given to us at a time that I imagine we have never really needed God's Grace and Goodness more.  A huge tragedy and loss had taken place in our family just over a month before and we really needed some physical reassurance and faith again that our Father God was still a Good, Good Father.

You see, my sister and I were pregnant at the same time back in 2016.  We were both due only 2 days apart from each other!  Incredible really!  When we found out about this, I was beyond thrilled, as well as amazed- what if my sister and I actually gave birth on the same day?  How crazy would that be?  The same sister that I got to share twin baby sisters with (then 19 years old), the same sis who went along with me on all of my adventures as a young child and even on into our college years!  Wouldn't that be amazing if we got to share a birth date for our kids too?  Cousin twins?

Those were some of the dreams that went through my mind as I imagined the days ahead!  And yet, none of those plans were meant to be.  God was writing a different story.

At an ultra sound for my sister, about half way into her pregnancy, the technician recognized some abnormalities inside her womb.  Her baby had a unique birth defect called Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH) and it occurs in anywhere from 1 in 2,000-5,000 births, but the effects of this development can be life threatening.  While inside my sister, her baby Noah was fine and growing well, but once born, his lungs were underdeveloped and he was unable to breathe on his own.  He was born on June 24th, 2016 at 33 weeks gestation and lived a beautiful but much too quickly 17 hours and cared for by some of the most incredible Doctors and Nurses in Minnesota.  This is also why my own little Hawaiian conceived baby, Malakai, ended up being born in a little Minnesotan hospital too, because by the time I was staying with my sister for the summer, just to be near her through whatever took place, well...  it was simply too late in my pregnant days to travel anywhere else!

Malakai and Noah, two cousins that were formed the same year but were given 2 very different stories, sometimes it still blows me away at the reality of our own lives.  I never would have thought that I would have to live with a mothers survivor guilt alongside my own precious sister, and not by her doing in any way, she bore her grief as a blessing, to which I still marvel at her up to this day!  Every day with his little life inside of her, she was hopeful of keeping him with her, even with a 1% chance of survival, there was always that 1%, so why wouldn't we all hope?!  We had all prayed for a miracle!  And yet, in the end, there was a no.  That was hard to swallow, especially when my miracle had a yes of life.  There was so much guilt, so much frustration, I knew this gift of my child was undeserved and until I had to walk out my life, I didn't know if I could, but God gives us strength in our greatest weaknesses.  Strength and peace that don't really make sense!

I went on to raise a little baby boy earth side and my sister was left without a baby in her arms for almost a year.  She had a daughter who was only a toddler when she lost her brother, and this sweet girl was so very little herself that she never did meet him face to face.  And yet, I know that his life made an impact on her story too!  Precious Annarose!  She was such a trooper through all those changes of moving, hospitals, cousins, family, tears and a heartsick momma.  I know her little arms are what kept my sister comforted and that Annarose soothed my sister's aching chest during that transition without Noah, I still praise God that He provided a solution to nursing for my sister with the needs of a 1 year old sibling.  God worked in totally incredible ways during that time, he was present in a way that was exactly what we needed, full and soft, gentle and kind, whispering to us all that He really was still a Good, Good, Father and Noah was with him now, whole and not suffering, as he is now until we all meet again heaven side!

Let's back up again to before Malakai and Noah now, as I am remembering when I first started using the phrase "Heaven is ahead".  In 2015, I experienced my own infant loss, not with a full grown infant, but with a little pea of a baby at only 10 weeks, my little Charlotte Joy, or as we call her: Charli.  We didn't really know if I had a boy or a girl, but I remember holding that tiny broken body of my baby and marveling at the tiny poppyseed eyes of my child, not fully formed, but very present.   The grief I felt was beyond anything I had ever experienced- my faith in God and His character was tested like never before and in that wondering too I realized that Heaven is closer and more real than I had ever comprehended.  

Yikes!  Those are some of my heavier, deeper, more intense stories, just little glimpses, but I think that is good for now.  I hope to write again later today!  Off to bed now, I still have 3 kiddos to home school in the morning...  work is a gift and I have my hands full of it!  Thank you Jesus!

To Hide or Not to Hide...

Oh hello!

I am trying to come out of hiding,
but this screen is as far as I'll go...

All of my time I've been biding,
curious when my face I will show...

Mothering quietly inside this space
Convinced by Love that its not all just a waste!

Even if I am not the best that there is,
I know for a fact that I'm always His...

For Him I go on, even when I have no song,
For Him I still speak, even when I feel weak...

For Love my eyes open,
my lips kiss, my heart beats...

For Love I keep dreaming,
my hands and feet rest in grace...

Watching and waiting, I want to be seen,
but also I am terrified of just how unclean...

these eyes, these words, these ways that I walk,
Even in Love, there's much to be trained in my talk...

I value freedom so deeply, that its hard to submit,
my wandering heart wants to keep a selfish bit...

Lord how deceived I am to keep some of me,
when you gave all of your whole self, so that I would finally see!

Your Love was not held back, not at all,
Every inch of you laid down for the call...

In tears of blood and a long sleepless night
you continued in faith, forgiveness was your fight...

Death didn't define you, but rather your life...
The life you laid down to call me your wife!

As a broken bride, you still chased after...
in my sin and in my shame...

Fractured from myself, you found me,
in your love you threw no blame!

Thank you Jesus for your faith,
greater than I've ever known-

In your steps, I want to follow,
no more hiding, let me be your home!

Questions and Grace...

How do you plan out your time?

What gets you excited about getting up in the morning?

Why?

When did you start caring about the things you care about each day?

Who do you most often share life with?

Is there a pattern in the answers above?  Or are you more in a season of spontaneity?  

I often wonder about my life...  the changes that have taken place, the things that will happen in the future, how to best prepare and be ready with the decisions I make day to day.  Sometimes that means sleeping a lot, preparing, practicing, and more rest at home again for the busyness of what is ahead...  and other times that means cramming in loads of calendar time, back to back, for all the many people and things that I am in love with, obligated to, excited for and passionate about!  

Yesterday was more of a rest day for me and my kiddos, they were just not feeling 100%... and the down time has got me thinking about a lot of different things...  travelling, celebrating, inviting, gathering friends and family, starting new habits, continuing in things I have put on hold, challenging my kids and playing with them more, date nights, holidays, wintertime, moving, worship times, praying purposefully and more often, living smaller, more intentionally, really slowing down more and listening...  

Life used to feel fairly black and white to me as a young girl and even as a young adult, but as I grow older with each year I feel this soft stirring that life is so much bigger and more colorful than I have ever believed it to be!

A verse comes to mind, and really, if you would just google search this whole chapter in Ephesians 3 that would be amazing:

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21...  What a prayer!  Trusting God's Powerful working above what we can even ask or imagine!  Do you?  I sure want too!  From generation to generation and forever...  can we even comprehend what this really means?  The weight of eternity makes me want to really slow down in this next season...

While it may seem that I share a lot of my life out in the open for all to see, the truth is I have spent a lot of my life in the quiet, in the lonely, in the unseen day to day of living at home and serving at home as well as in the church building setting.  The older I get the more I realize that this is not as normal as I have thought, this is unique and special and I pray deeply that I can submit this quiet, wondering, peacefulness (for the most part (; ) to be used by the Lord in Mighty ways for His Glory!

Please correct me if I am wrong, but American life is so often characterized by the spotlight media and the status quo of checks and balances- spent under contract from one person to the next, committed time, ordered days, pointing out the normal and the special, labels, shows, ideas, all sold for a price...  these things can be good or evil but for love... and yet, who can find love in a system that boasts of self alone and glorifying our own namesakes, rather than acknowledging the One who made us?  

What is Love?  Intimacy?  Friendship?  Loyalty?  When the next newest thing is always coming out?  What do we do with the old?  Do we cherish our history or toss it away, outdated, unneeded?  

How much do we leave up to faith in God anyway?  

My life has been such a gift of privacy, thoughtfulness, slowness, provision, grace, conversation, stillness and hope... 

Even now, I don't always know what to make of this reality that I do not have to strive to be loved though, even with the sweetest of families and home lives, why is this truth so hard to comprehend?

I am loved by grace through faith...  oh to hold tight, speak this truth openly, and live like I have learned it by heart already...  even though my heart is so forgetful!

How do we take all that we have learned with us and share it wholeheartedly, lovingly, softly with others?

Grace, grace, grace...  an eternity of grace!

Can we even grasp this reality?  Amidst all our questions, understandings, experiences...  it's all grace!  

What a blessed truth to lay my head into tonight!

I hope my silly ramblings will inspire you to slow down and lay out your thoughts and questions too!

Jesus makes this possible, to ramble, to wonder, and to find Hope again... thank you GOD!  Your grace is sufficient in my weakness...

Amen.

Snores and Dreams: God Cares

As I lay here on my bed, dreaming of picking up writing again, yes even at this ridiculous hour of 2am, my fingers are beginning to type away- all while my adorable husband snores up a storm right next to me.  Ha!  I am reminded too, that by simply taking this time to stay up, sort through my thoughts, jump out of my normal groove and focus in on the blessings of freedom and love that I have been given and worked towards in my life, that...  just wow!  I never imagined things could ever be as hard or as rewarding as they have turned out to be.

You see, when I dreamed of, as a young girl, becoming a mother some day...  it was a picture of myself all grown up, well-groomed, organized, mini-van driving, soccer mom of 5 boys all for whom I pre-planned and packed an ice chest of great snacks and favorite drinks!  This would then happen every weekend for their entire childhood (apparently, my one job would be just this) I would cheer each of my boys on as they played soccer and I would watch them in wonder from the sidelines!  Of course, that was just the mother-bit of my daydreams, let alone my ideas of being a wife... it seems I only thought of meeting some dishy guy in college who would sweep me off my feet...  and not until college, surely, because I was much too young for marriage before I finished my 4 year degree... the rest of our love story, or so I was convinced, would obviously end well, because, after all, we would be in love- of course...  and that was about as far as my vision would go for my future family- at least from this very small perspective of my middle school self.  I mean, to be fair, it really IS hard to imagine up any kind of reality for our super random, wild, adventure filled lives- especially years and years down the road!

Okay, so, one of my points in re-hashing all of the above is simply to prove how vague and somewhat naive our dreams can be!  I mean even reading back on this VERY blog, where I shared little blips of getting our bus together THREE YEARS AGO, makes me kind of giggle with the remembrance of what it felt like to be in that giddy unknown of adventures before us... but months later, actually years now, seeing where we were and where we have come, the true length of all the endurance, hope and work it takes to "make dreams happen" is really hard-core hitting me straight in the face.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing either, but wow is it right up in front of me!  All of the uprooting that has taken place in my life and walking by faith...  oh my friends!  Stepping out in faith, through the mess and the unknowns, this is life-changing business and it makes the familiar into the unfamiliar which makes for a very uncomfortable feeling at times... so if you like to be comfortable than stick with the familiar, until one day you realize there is nothing comfortable about the familiar anymore either...  oh dear!  Times just change around us, even when we do not want them too, don't they?

This brings me to my second point: Enjoy Dreaming (AKA learn to enjoy CHANGES)! 

Obviously our crazy ideas will never be detailed enough to compare with the reality ahead (unless God SO reveals Himself), but this is why the phrase "leap of faith" fits so well with following, what often times tends to be, emotionally heightened picturesque dreams...  it is a literal "leap" for our psyche to jump out of what feels normal in order to gamble with the future on our own out-of-the-ordinary terms...  I mean when I put it that way, who would rather let their futures be dictated completely by unforeseen circumstances... oh wait, that is all of us!  Ha!  And yes, it IS really late, you are right, and I do feel like I could ramble on and on like this with my silly stream of conciousness all night, but then...  there is this loud snoring coming from my bear like husband next to me (cuddly type of bear, not too fierce), so its hard to really think clearly about anything!

Oh and in case you missed my first point: Dreams can be Vague and Naive...  which I am not even sure how to make a judgement about at this time, because honestly I have no idea whether that is a good thing or a bad thing (to have vague and naive dreams)...  but I digress.

So far this blog post has been such a goof though, basically because my beginning entry, middle school silly girlhood story and then my two main dream lessons consist entirely of this most unimpressive analysis that I am content to be: 'Enjoying Dreaming even if it is Naive and Vague"...  and now my friends, you can see in plain sight why I have not started blogging regularly again, because it would seem that my mommy brain cells have still not recovered from everything in regards to mommy-ing and wife-ing...  And yet, here I remain...  determined to keep typing and to be unconquered by my own nonsense and mediocrity!

Isn't this half the battle with a dream-like goal, after all, to ACTUALLY continue forward, even when you feel that you are failing miserably (and may even be doing so)!?

Maybe THAT is what this post is REALLY all about though!
Ha!

Deep down inside, I have been wondering over and over again, "what if you just try to write again" and in reply, yes, I have heard that infamous voice inside of me that says, "yes, but what if you fail miserably"...  And yet...

And yet!

"What if I DO just try!?"

In fact... what if I keep on trying, even after I have tried, and then what if I try yet again...  until finally I may begin to succeed...  and then, in one glorious sentence, I finally start to make sense to someone!

Then, wouldn't it all be worth it then-
Even if I look like a complete and utter fool during the majority of my writing process!?
It would all be worth it to CONNECT wholeheartedly and vulnerably with just ONE!

Yes!!!
Yes, yes, and yes...
"Yes" to the reality of my foolishness, "Yes" to continue trying to write and "Yes" to the wonderful glory of actually making sense and connecting with someone in a way that is totally and wholly my own!

TRY IT!

What are you dreaming?
Keep it up...
Enjoy the process!
Push through the vague, strange and foolish...
Do not stop until your trying turns into Learning and eventually Succeeding.

Afterall, how can we fail, if we are still always learning...  no indeed, we only fail when we entirely give up...  so press on!  Don't Give Up!  Keep Trying!  Whatever Good thing you are aiming for, if it is truly GOOD, then it is a gift from God and you CAN receive it if you don't stop asking- make some noise; do not stop seeking- be committed; and do not stop knocking- take some action, bang on some doors and shake things up until they open for you!

That is my plan for now, so...  come, watch and see...  will this work?
What other crazy can I come up with?
If I just keep writing...  only God knows!

Yes indeed, we are all seen and known by a miraculous God...
He is the I AM to all my "am not"s - HA!
Praise God!

I forget this too often!

Not only to praise God but that God cares enough to share His Perfect self with me and He doesnt owe me anything!

Oh how much I really DO care that God cares!
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How about you?
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Isaiah 45:7: "I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things."

Platform of Love

Love is an amazing platform to discuss just about every single topic!  When a friend and I stand together, united in love, the conversations we have are changed completely in tone.  Offering yourself humbly to someone else by telling them that you love them, opens a doorway into a place of peace and grace...  Even if you both disagree on things!  Has anyone else ever experienced this truth?  

Love in its entirety is lived out when it is acted out in the beautiful definition found in 1 Corinthians 13 (this chapter will probably blow my mind for as long as I live!).  Humor me please as I refresh our memories on the beautiful realities of Love (even for those who don't believe in the Bible, I think we can all agree that what is described here is a profound definition of love): 

"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it has no pride, love does not demand its own way, it does not seek its own, it's not easily provoked, it keeps no record of wrongs, speaks no evil, and rejoices in the truth, it bears and believes in all things, hopes in all things and endures in all things too" (a lyrical paraphrased version by Beckah Shae- a fav singer of mine- on 1 Corinthians 13).  Amazing right?  Love like that basically stops at nothing to express its devotion, care, beauty- and pretty much anything Good!  Love is Incredible!

So with all that said, I would like to share a couple pictures of our newest addition to the bus, dedicating it before the blogging world, as our Platform of Love:

This special area is where we hope to have the kids bunk beds, a lush carpet/large rug, and a fun play area for our younger guests.  I'm so excited at my hubby's brilliant design and so thankful to the Lord for keeping us going even amidst set backs like colds and craziness.  Lol.  Prayers for perseverance until the end are much appreciated!  One day I hope everyone who reads this will be able to have dinner with us in our future home ;) may our love be pure towards you all as God has shown His love so powerfully in our own lives...  We love you!  Xoxo

P.S.

I am hoping that this little gem makes it into the bus too:

Blessings to you friends!!!