As I lay here on my bed, dreaming of picking up writing again, yes even at this ridiculous hour of 2am, my fingers are beginning to type away- all while my adorable husband snores up a storm right next to me. Ha! I am reminded too, that by simply taking this time to stay up, sort through my thoughts, jump out of my normal groove and focus in on the blessings of freedom and love that I have been given and worked towards in my life, that... just wow! I never imagined things could ever be as hard or as rewarding as they have turned out to be.
You see, when I dreamed of, as a young girl, becoming a mother some day... it was a picture of myself all grown up, well-groomed, organized, mini-van driving, soccer mom of 5 boys all for whom I pre-planned and packed an ice chest of great snacks and favorite drinks! This would then happen every weekend for their entire childhood (apparently, my one job would be just this) I would cheer each of my boys on as they played soccer and I would watch them in wonder from the sidelines! Of course, that was just the mother-bit of my daydreams, let alone my ideas of being a wife... it seems I only thought of meeting some dishy guy in college who would sweep me off my feet... and not until college, surely, because I was much too young for marriage before I finished my 4 year degree... the rest of our love story, or so I was convinced, would obviously end well, because, after all, we would be in love- of course... and that was about as far as my vision would go for my future family- at least from this very small perspective of my middle school self. I mean, to be fair, it really IS hard to imagine up any kind of reality for our super random, wild, adventure filled lives- especially years and years down the road!
Okay, so, one of my points in re-hashing all of the above is simply to prove how vague and somewhat naive our dreams can be! I mean even reading back on this VERY blog, where I shared little blips of getting our bus together THREE YEARS AGO, makes me kind of giggle with the remembrance of what it felt like to be in that giddy unknown of adventures before us... but months later, actually years now, seeing where we were and where we have come, the true length of all the endurance, hope and work it takes to "make dreams happen" is really hard-core hitting me straight in the face. This isn't necessarily a bad thing either, but wow is it right up in front of me! All of the uprooting that has taken place in my life and walking by faith... oh my friends! Stepping out in faith, through the mess and the unknowns, this is life-changing business and it makes the familiar into the unfamiliar which makes for a very uncomfortable feeling at times... so if you like to be comfortable than stick with the familiar, until one day you realize there is nothing comfortable about the familiar anymore either... oh dear! Times just change around us, even when we do not want them too, don't they?
This brings me to my second point: Enjoy Dreaming (AKA learn to enjoy CHANGES)!
Obviously our crazy ideas will never be detailed enough to compare with the reality ahead (unless God SO reveals Himself), but this is why the phrase "leap of faith" fits so well with following, what often times tends to be, emotionally heightened picturesque dreams... it is a literal "leap" for our psyche to jump out of what feels normal in order to gamble with the future on our own out-of-the-ordinary terms... I mean when I put it that way, who would rather let their futures be dictated completely by unforeseen circumstances... oh wait, that is all of us! Ha! And yes, it IS really late, you are right, and I do feel like I could ramble on and on like this with my silly stream of conciousness all night, but then... there is this loud snoring coming from my bear like husband next to me (cuddly type of bear, not too fierce), so its hard to really think clearly about anything!
Oh and in case you missed my first point: Dreams can be Vague and Naive... which I am not even sure how to make a judgement about at this time, because honestly I have no idea whether that is a good thing or a bad thing (to have vague and naive dreams)... but I digress.
So far this blog post has been such a goof though, basically because my beginning entry, middle school silly girlhood story and then my two main dream lessons consist entirely of this most unimpressive analysis that I am content to be: 'Enjoying Dreaming even if it is Naive and Vague"... and now my friends, you can see in plain sight why I have not started blogging regularly again, because it would seem that my mommy brain cells have still not recovered from everything in regards to mommy-ing and wife-ing... And yet, here I remain... determined to keep typing and to be unconquered by my own nonsense and mediocrity!
Isn't this half the battle with a dream-like goal, after all, to ACTUALLY continue forward, even when you feel that you are failing miserably (and may even be doing so)!?
Maybe THAT is what this post is REALLY all about though!
Ha!
Deep down inside, I have been wondering over and over again, "what if you just try to write again" and in reply, yes, I have heard that infamous voice inside of me that says, "yes, but what if you fail miserably"... And yet...
And yet!
"What if I DO just try!?"
In fact... what if I keep on trying, even after I have tried, and then what if I try yet again... until finally I may begin to succeed... and then, in one glorious sentence, I finally start to make sense to someone!
Then, wouldn't it all be worth it then-
Even if I look like a complete and utter fool during the majority of my writing process!?
It would all be worth it to CONNECT wholeheartedly and vulnerably with just ONE!
Yes!!!
Yes, yes, and yes...
"Yes" to the reality of my foolishness, "Yes" to continue trying to write and "Yes" to the wonderful glory of actually making sense and connecting with someone in a way that is totally and wholly my own!
TRY IT!
What are you dreaming?
Keep it up...
Enjoy the process!
Push through the vague, strange and foolish...
Do not stop until your trying turns into Learning and eventually Succeeding.
Afterall, how can we fail, if we are still always learning... no indeed, we only fail when we entirely give up... so press on! Don't Give Up! Keep Trying! Whatever Good thing you are aiming for, if it is truly GOOD, then it is a gift from God and you CAN receive it if you don't stop asking- make some noise; do not stop seeking- be committed; and do not stop knocking- take some action, bang on some doors and shake things up until they open for you!
That is my plan for now, so... come, watch and see... will this work?
What other crazy can I come up with?
If I just keep writing... only God knows!
Yes indeed, we are all seen and known by a miraculous God...
He is the I AM to all my "am not"s - HA!
Praise God!
I forget this too often!
Not only to praise God but that God cares enough to share His Perfect self with me and He doesnt owe me anything!
Oh how much I really DO care that God cares!
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How about you?
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Isaiah 45:7: "I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things."
